Feud for thought

 So, terrifyingly, I’ve finally seen someone on telly other than the Queen who dresses the way I do instinctively. You know: matchy-matchy, not too flamboyant in shape, blingy bit of jewellery on top. Unfortunately, it’s Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford in Feud.

Have you seen Feud? I do find myself wondering whether Feud-Joan bore much resemblance to real Joan; she comes across as a bit of a monster, but also quite a sad monster. I find myself admiring the sheer grit and effort it took to go from being a poor girl to a star, and then to continue that fight even as the roles dried up. But look at what the effort has cost her. She’s got few friends, because Hollywood’s a man’s world, and the execs still look down on her (probably look down on her more now she’s ageing), but she won’t make many female friends because there’s only room for one Queen in Joan’s world, and that’s Queen Joan. As sorry as I feel for her, you can bet your hat I’m on #teambette. Susan Sarandon’s Bette Davis comes across as so much more relatable.

Getting older myself, I also find the talk of ‘hag pictures’ and ‘hagsploitation’ annoying. Davis was about 56, Crawford anywhere between 56 and 60, depending on which of her birthdates you think is most likely. But hags? What a horrible term. You wouldn’t get men of the same age being described the same way – I’m not even sure there is a male equivalent. I’ve appreciated the parts of the show that address the way ‘women’s pictures’ were underrated and women’s careers held back. Things have changed a little, but they could still do with changing more.

Anyway, enough about the show’s version of Joan being a monster in a monstrous world; let’s talk about her outfits. I've noticed a few things: when Joan needs to assert herself, such as when meeting studio bigwigs or when she goes to persuade Bette Davis to make Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, she wears fur, and plenty of jewellery. She even wears fur to visit her brother in hospital - he's been claiming to have an old smut film of her, from her early days in Hollywood, that he's prepared to sell. Fur is Joan's armour.

Bette wears trousers. Joan never, ever wears trousers. Bette wears full-skirted styles sometimes, Joan never does - her silhouette is always fitted. In fact, it's always a dress. No separates! Bette wears separates, and her style actually looks younger and more approachable. There's a scene later in the series on the set of Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte where Joan, in green gown for her scene, argues with Bette, and Bette is dressed in the same style and colours as the crew. She belongs, her outfit says.

Joan's garments are almost always monochromatic: dress and jackets match. (Queen Elizabeth II does the same thing so she can be seen from a distance. But Joan's not attracting any crowds at this point in her career...) As well as being distinctive, they're also isolating. Neither colour nor silhouette bleed into her surroundings. Joan is complete in herself, but also part of very little around her. It's telling that in the scenes where she's relaxing at home she wears kaftan-type garments, not as uptight, not as controlled.

Her jewellery is always big. Go big or go home - and no-one sends Joan home. The more important the occasion, the more she piles on the sparkle. She who sparkles most is the biggest star, right? Maybe not – but she's doing her darndest make people think that.

Finally, let's take time to hail the hats of Hedda, for they are gooood. And she clearly never met a necklace she didn't like either.